The Journey to Have a Purpose

I grew up in an alcoholic home. My dad was a violent alcoholic and my mom was a mess because of it. I won’t go into details because it would take too long and there are many people who have also lived through what I have. My marriage was a complete mess too. We were both control freaks trying to control one another. He was a major partier and I only did once in a while (after I had kids when we were still together). He cheated on me constantly and made me feel like I was worthless and all those other things that guys make you feel like when they want to control you. They don’t want to let go of you but they don’t want anyone else to have you either.

By the time I left I was such a mess I didn’t think I would ever be straightened out. I did have one half baked suicide attempt. I know I did it to get his attention. It didn’t work. I prayed to God so hard that He would put me through all the hell he had to, I didn’t care. Just do what you gotta do to get me out of this mess once and for all. He did. I moved to Little Falls. Bobbi lived here so I came and stayed with her until I got my own place.

During my heavy drinking days (years) I went out a lot, like Wednesday through Saturday for sure. I got really drunk every time. I was carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and all kinds of other emotions from my childhood and my marriage. I got into fights a lot too, even with men. I was a very angry person and I was going to make everyone around me as miserable as I was. People either hated me or loved me. I could be the life of the party! But the ones who hated me and I hated were in constant battle. I thought I was, as the song says, ten feet tall and bullet proof. People were afraid of me because of my size. I could really intimidate them. If only they knew what was going on inside. I didn’t party a whole lot when I first moved to Little Falls. It kind of gradually built up. I felt like I had been let out of jail after being with Thomas and I was free and I was going to do whatever I wanted to do. I slept around as well. Of course I told myself I wasn’t that bad. Sherry was much worse than me. She would be with a couple guys in a weekend. I was with a guy about three to five times a year and I thought that was bad, but I did it anyway.

At first it was because I had the freedom to do so. Then it was, as the other old song goes, looking for love in all the wrong places. Just wanted to be wanted even if it was for a couple hours. It didn’t matter. I wanted to feel accepted. I would almost always feel like doodoo the next day but I would always make a big joke out of it. I was FREE!!! I can do what I want. But inside I was a mess.

During this time of my constant partying, my kids were pretty neglected by me. I thought at the time that as long as they had a roof over their head and food and clothes things were fine. They got nice birthday and Christmas presents. Actually, I was being just like my dad. Trying to buy their love. He was bad but would give us lots of money. My mom bought us tons of Christmas presents. I don’t know if it was guilt from how we were living or if it was guilt because we really didn’t get much in between those times. I worked very long hours and when I wasn’t working I was partying. At one point I had my boss put me on call (ambulance) a few nights a week so that I had no choice but to stay home. But I still carried on the other nights.

My kids started going to church at the Assembly of God when they were pretty young. They went on the bus. They always wanted me to go but I had lots of excuses not to. Mostly I was usually too hung over and really didn’t want anybody Bible banging me. I believed in God and that was enough. After a couple years I did start going to church and I got saved but I was hit and miss and eventually stopped going. I was extremely depressed at the time as well. After a while I just quit going. It seemed like when I was going to church things would be worse. Bobbi, who was a pretty new Christian at the time herself, would tell me it was God testing me. I felt like I was always failing the tests and so what was the point. Things went better on my own.

A couple years before I got saved I had a two and a half year affair with a married man that I worked with. I never expected him to leave his wife or anything like that. It was just sex. But I did end up falling for him. It was hard to end but I knew I had to. At this time God was starting to speak to me, even though I was only half listening. But I knew this had to stop, that it was horribly wrong. I also decided at that point that I was not having sex anymore. I did have one or two flings at the very beginning after being saved but not anymore. (it has been over seven years now.)

As time went on—after a few more years—I really started slowing down. I knew this craziness had to stop. It continued to slow and the desire was leaving me to go out and drink. I was still going out once or twice a week but not getting so drunk. I would go out for special occasions sometimes, someone’s birthday or something. I was mellowing, not getting in fights and acting as stupid as I had been.

At the time I would say to myself that I knew someday I would be a Christian but it wasn’t time yet. I prayed about it a lot. I was so horribly depressed though. I was in counseling in the cities but that stopped when I moved. I started counseling again at some point. I don’t remember exactly when up here. I went on and off for many years. My counselor used to tell me I needed to find my purpose in life. I told him all the time that my purpose was to live a long, bad, life suffering the whole time.

My dad committed suicide and I was angry with him for doing that because that was supposed to be my way of dying and I felt that he stole that from me. I now saw the effects suicide had on a family and knew I couldn’t do that to my kids. So instead I started praying every night that God would just let me die. I didn’t care how. Heart attack, car accident, whatever, I just wanted to be dead. I figured that because I wanted to die so bad and that I had suffered already so much in my life that God was going to make me live until I was 108 years old and suffer the whole time.

On Palm Sunday, March 30th or 31st, God woke me up early in the morning. The night before I was very depressed. I was watching “God With Us” on cable channel. It was a production that was done here in Little Falls. I was listening to the message and the songs. I remember laying on the couch and crying and beggin God to do something with my life or let me die. When he woke me up in the morning, I knew that it was Him. But is was strange. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. It was like He was telling me to get up and I was very emotional feeling, almost crying. I didn’t know why. I went downstairs and turned on the TV. I flipped through channels and came to Mac Hammond from the cities Sunday morning service. I don’t remember now what the message was but it was exactly the I needed to hear. I remember that. I was crying uncontrollably. I knew in a sense it was God but at the same time usure of what to do.

I called Bobbi—I was just sobbing—and told her that I needed to go to church. Of course she was thrilled. She told me she would meet me at the front door. I went to go and my car was making really bad noises, big clunks. I went back to the parking lot. But I knew I just had to get to church. I started out again and it was doing the same thing. I decided to go anyway. I thought that if God wanted me there He would get me there. I made it fine and my car didn’t make that noise after that day. Of course now I know that the devil was trying to keep me from going.

There have been many changes in my life the last seven (now 12 years [2011] years. God has delivered and healed me from so much stuff. Anger, fear (which was a huge one), control, bitterness, unforgiveness, depression. There have been highs and low and much brokenness and character building. Tests I never thought I would make it through. I struggled a lot with leaving the bar scene completely. I rode the fence for quite a while. It wasn’t so much the alcohol as it was the social end of it. It was the only life I knew and it was very hard to give up. I just couldn’t let go.

He had brought me a long way but there was still this very thin thread that I could see with my spiritual eyes that was still connected to the old life. That thin string has since been cut. He has answered so many prayers and brought me through so much stuff. I can’t imagine going back to the old life again.


1 Comment

  1. Grace says:

    Awesome testimony! God is so merciful. I can relate in some ways. Its amazing how God can slowly peel the layers off from our old lives. I do believe in miraculous conversions and instant deliverance but also know personally its somethimes a process. Keep fighting the good fight and know that with Christ, its so personal. We can do ALL things in Christ JESUS who strengthens us. God Bless you and yours

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